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Narrated by Short Michelle


You can get your minds out of the gutter right now. We have previously met our goals, even if they were haphazardly set, but Tall Michelle and I decided that we really should step things up. We were going to do it!

But do what? What could be next? Well, that’s easy. We decided to see a game, live, in person and in Miami, not from our rickety barstools.

Next stop my hometown of Miami, Florida! We checked the schedule and got tickets for the December 18th game against the NY Jets and booked our flights. We told all our friends at the bar that we were going and off we went. Since we seem to always take things a step farther (or a step too far according to some!) we also made the decision that we MUST get on TV during the game. Meeting Dan Marino seemed easy now that I think about that compared to getting on TV during a football game in a huge stadium.

Michelle and I decided, when approaching such a goal, it is always good to have a game plan. Taking a cue from David Letterman, we made a Top Ten list of things to try and we now share it with all our readers and future fans hoping to get their 2.4 seconds of fame at a sporting event:

Top Ten Ways To Get On TV At A Football Game, by "The Michelles"

10.) Always make a sign. The wittier, the better. Bright colors are always a must.

9.) Arrive at the stadium early, locate the cameramen and wave your sign around like crazy a few times to catch their attention.

8.) Get up and do a lot of stupid dances.

7.) Cheer at random times, like during the coin toss, water breaks or when the hot dog vendor walks up to your row.

6.) Buy your entire section a round of drinks. It’s hugely expensive, but the cheers you’ll receive are great attention getters guaranteed to draw the cameras: then hold up your sign and wave it around like crazy.

5.) Walk down to the front row and turn to face the audience like you’re the most important person in world. This alone will get their attention. Then, with great enthusiasm, thrust your sign into the air and the crowd will go nuts! (Note: Best to wait until after halftime. Fans will be drunker and thus, much louder).

4.) For the guys, it can never hurt to bring some hot chicks with you. The cameras love hot chicks. (Please send pictures and credit reports to The Michelles care of our editor we may be available.)

3.) Paint your face, spray your hair, wear a crazy outfit. Become the ultimate fan. So freaky they can’t help but put you on TV! If Pamela Anderson can get discovered at a sporting event, then SO CAN YOU!

2.) If your team is on the verge of a disastrous loss towards the end of the game, start moving down. Fair-weather fans with really good front row seats will be leaving and you can take them. Once you get there, make a lot of noise. The cameramen will be bored with the game and may find that you’re far more entertaining.

1.) Most importantly, bring a friend with a lot of money. If you go overboard with trying to get on TV, they can bail you out of stadium prison.

We hope you find the list helpful. We did. We followed our own advice from #10, used a bright orange sign and a clever slogan. Since we were in Miami for the game against the J-e-t-s Jets Jets Jets (God how we hate that!) the fans loved the fact that our sign read:


And God, were our arms tired. From holding up our signs for so long. Got you! But seriously, luck was on our side. We may have made spectacles of ourselves, but WE DID IT! We got put on TV during the third quarter! Mission accomplished!

The rush of adrenaline, and the glorious Miami win against the stinky Jets kept us going. We felt like celebrities, but it was not enough. We decided we were now bound for football greatness and we were going to go for it. We made it to Miami, and we got put on TV how could we stop? This was like crack! We upped the stakes and we were going to meet as many Dolphins players as possible!

We found our way over to the stadium exit where the players drive out and decided to make friends with the security guards. Thank goodness we did, because we ended up needing their help more than we thought we would! Don’t ever forget this: It’s easy to know who the players are when they’re playing the game their names are printed on the jersey or you know their number. When the players are off the field they are just a bunch of really big guys with really big muscles. Having made friends with the security guards, we were able to make a quick ID of each player.

As the players headed to their cars to leave, the security guards gave us the inside scoop and let us know who tends to stop to give autographs and who usually just drives on by. In case anyone wants to know, Zach Thomas is usually the last to leave, Olindo Mare occasionally pulls his car over to sign autographs and Jason Taylor typically only signs autographs for little kids! (Note: given the nature of free agency, career ending injury, etc, a player sadly may no longer be with the Dolphins. Insert name of new player where you like they all have similar attitudes and behavior!)

When the time came, we put our plan into action. I got the info from the guards and yelled out to Model Michelle, who would start running. We decided in advance that nothing would stop us so she was to trample anyone who got in her way. Anyone. Those poor children are going to have nightmares about models for the rest of their lives!


We’re usually so good at things like this and so thorough. But. We forgot to bring a book - anything - for the players to sign! What were we thinking? The only thing Michelle had available to give players to sign was her Dolphins cap, which Dan Marino signed the previous season. A decision needed to be made. Did she really want to compromise her cherished cap to get more autographs? What the hell, right? Absolutely!

Everything was great until Dolphins Guard Rex Hadnot showed up.

More panic!

Michelle handed her prized cap to Rex and he took it into his hand, lowered the pen and was about to sign OVER Dan Marino’s signature!! Michelle grabbed for her cap and yanked it out of Rex Hadnot’s big hands and scolded him! "Do you realize you were about to sign on top of Dan The Man?! Listen, Rex Hadnot, you better HAD NOT sign over him!" She really did! Rex was stunned. When he shook it off he realized what he was doing and liked her gumption. Rex Hadnot told Michelle he wouldn’t dream of signing over Dan The Man and went ahead and signed on another part of the cap.

After the mishap with Hadnot, Michelle decided to retire the cap, but Wide Receiver Chris Chambers was now on his way out and she definitely wanted his signature. What to do? Ignoring the rules of football fan etiquette, and in a moment of pure desperation, she pulled off her Ronnie Brown jersey and asked Chris to sign that instead. Chris Chambers took the crumpled jersey from Michelle and held it up to sign it. When he realized it had another player’s name and number on it, Chris Chambers said, "I'm not signing that shit!" Michelle knew it was a stretch, but you can’t blame her for trying. Busted, she gave Chambers the hat and we got his autograph after all.

At the end of the night, we were totally exhausted, but couldn’t stop babbling about this amazing experience. While driving away from Miami Dolphins Stadium, it hit us: we HAD to have more.


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